How to teach your teenager to Drive

This article first appeared in The Age – February 18, 2023

When my daughter got her L-plates I was, frankly, terrified. How could I, through verbal instruction only, be responsible for my child, car, other drivers, pedestrians and fences?

The fear was not connected to my faith in her abilities, but it was real. After dismissing a fantasy of hiring a car equipped with a second brake and steering wheel, my daughter and I came to a mutual agreement that she’d rely on her other parent for early driving supervision.

But, 120 hours is a huge amount of road time and I did want to be involved in this important step on her road (pardon the pun) to independence. So, I gathered my courage and resources.

My first step was to try not to overreact (a bad habit of mine) while in the unfamiliar backseat position during family trips. Fortunately, my husband relished supervising and modelled his approach on how he was taught by his mum: speaking calmly, giving clear instructions and steadily instilling skills and confidence.

Most valuably, he encouraged our daughter to ‘commentate’ her driving. From the moment she was in charge of the car, she’d verbalise everything she did, saw and thought. This meant her supervisor knew whether she’d spotted the indicating car or the new speed limit, a great way to both minimise unnecessary panic and leave far less room for arguments and sarcasm (common features of our out-of-car parent-teen interactions).

Driving instructor and Vice-President of the NSW Driver Training Association, Chris Hillis, agrees this is a great tone to set. “Instructors ask more open questions than they used to, so the learner’s brain is triggered into intelligence,” she says. “After all, you’re aiming for your child to be safe both while they’re learning and once you’re no longer in the car with them.”

My next step – before actually supervising my daughter – was the Keys2Drive federally-funded free lesson that’s as much about teaching the parent (or other adult) how to supervise as it is for the learner. Sadly, seeing this was the single biggest boost to my confidence, the program was recently axed (if you have a new L-plater, get in for your lesson before March 31).

Two months after she got her Ls, I finally felt ready to be driven by my daughter. But not before I did some serious deep breathing; a technique that Hillis recommends for young drivers as well as supervisors. “They might have just had a fight with a friend or be worried about an exam,” she says. “But they need to learn to let that go each time they pick up the car keys.”

During the first few drives, I was proud of myself for achieving the delicate balance of being abundantly calm while also acutely aware of our surroundings. And being trusting but quick to check in. From there, I increased my capacity alongside her skill development and ability to drive longer distances.

Though I dreaded any ‘incidents’, I knew they’d happen and my confidence grew after we survived hectic rainstorms and other cars making unexpected moves. I was also clear about my limitations, especially early on, by being honest if I was too tired, rushed or distracted to supervise calmly.

Deirdre Brandner, a Melbourne-based child and adolescent psychologist, confirms it’s okay not to underestimate the emotional significance of a milestone that comes after 16-odd years of ferrying your kid everywhere from childcare to teenage parties.

“Driving is one of the trickiest rites of passage because we’re primed to keep our children safe,” she says. “As parents, we need to recognise our own anxieties.”

Brandner, who also saw her three now-adult kids through their L-P journey, notes that we’ll all be influenced by our experiences of driving and the personality of the teenager. “A teen who’s played Grand Theft Auto or driven dodgem cars may be just as challenging as one who’s anxious,” she says.

Her top tips? Be specific when giving praise and constructive feedback, both during and after each drive. And, keep up that deep breathing, as anxiety is more contagious than nits.

I’m pleased to report my daughter recently passed her test (though her being a P- plater brings a whole new raft of anxiety) and I now have a year’s break before my next child turns 16.

In the end, I supervised one-third of 120-plus L-plate hours but I’ll leave the call about whether I moved all the way from terrified to terrific to my daughter. “Eh, sure you did,” she says with a not-so-subtle eye roll. From a newly independent P-plater, I’ll take that as high praise.